Eat this Bread in Silence

Bread of Rulers by Gaijin de Moscu

Critique follows:

Bread of Rulers is about an Indian chief expected by the people to solve the famine in his land. Unfortunately, the man lives at a time where fate is often connected to the gods. Every time man suffers, it is because the gods are hungry and angry.

The premise is that the gods had sacrificed their lives so that the sun could continue burning bright and by that, people could continue living on. Consequently, the people owed it to the gods to feed them – constantly with blood. If not, there would be no rain; there would be no food.

One by one, this leader’s people were dying, and there was nothing to hunt. Plants had dried up, too. War as some source of blood to appease the gods was out of the question. The men were too weak to walk even. Hunger had been too long in the land.

As mothers began selling their daughters to slavery for food, the chief makes a decision. Solving the problem of hunger came to a point where he had to take a good long look at his own home – now led to some perversion: having his two wives choked to death and sacrificing his own children to the gods – for rain. However, the problem persisted. It did not seem to rain as prayed for.

The themes that kept arising from the text were:
1)Fate of man - good or bad – depended on the gods.
2)Knowledge that those statues were motionless, therefore powerless, yet attributing some power to them.
3)Solving problems only through blood sacrifice.

The author wrote -
"The last years brought me a new understanding. The supply of blood had to be constant. Every time it stopped, the Gods intervened. Strong winds threw trees at us; earthquakes crushed us; rains buried villages in landslides. Droughts taught us how hungry the Gods were."

This belief is still prevalent among people of today as is making offerings to non-living gods. The chief knew the gods he was dealing with were motionless, therefore powerless. Yet he seemed to want the statues to come to life by brushing some blood on their lips.

This story maybe of a setting many eons ago, but the story is happening in our midst. All of these themes stand true today despite the advance of science. Man, today, is a material man who does not know well the true God.

This story may read as strange and hateful for its display of middle ages ignorance, of its paganistic rituals, suicide, and its morbid solutions to problems of hunger. The author has succeeded in communicating reality, however. The story is powerfully written with its detailed capture of culture.

There were just these six discrepancies noted along these following lines:

1) The author wrote -
"You must be tired, My Lord," he said in a brooding, velvety voice that struggled to articulate words through his tongue and lips, stabbed beyond repair in daily self-sacrifice to the Gods. "This is your home, take rest."

"Brooding, velvety" voice does not seem to jibe with "struggling to articulate words." If a voice is velvety, it must not struggle to articulate. Perhaps another word in the direction of "struggling" would do. "Velvety" sounds much too positive.

2) The author wrote -
"I’ve done everything to please the Gods," he muttered with his mutilated tongue. Suddenly, his face cracked into a smile, and a few dry flakes of soot rained onto his cloak.

Does "a few dry flakes of soot" intend to show the lack of bath water for a long while? Then a smile is not enough for "flakes to rain onto his cloak." Perhaps if the action were much broader – like a loud laugh (Yes, a hungry man can still laugh), then it would do.

3) The author had consistently used the past tense from the beginning but suddenly shifts to the present tense in the ending chapter. It is best to be consistent throughout.

4) The author also had made the reader understand at the beginning that the chief had a much larger jurisdiction because there was famine. In the last chapter, however, he declares just a "town." When one talks of famine, the area is much, much extensive than just a town.

5) Towards the end, the author wrote -
Smiling, I jump from my stool into the darkness. Distant cracking reaches my ears. Is it the thumping of the falling stool... or, perhaps, thunder?

The chief was portrayed as a thoughtful, resolute leader in the beginning. He was a respectful man. By the time the story was about to end, however, the chief appeared like a fool – by "smiling as he jumped" to his death.

The author at best should maintain whatever dignity was left of the man – by "not smiling" to his suicide. Remember that his last thoughts before this were those of his children who were dying slowly of poison-laced drinks, his second wife whom he had ordered choked to death.

6) Another thing that makes the ending paragraph weak is that the mind of the character was still doing some unnecessary wondering despite already executing his death as in –

"[Smiling, I jump from my stool into the darkness.] Distant cracking reaches my ears. Is it the thumping of the falling stool... or, perhaps, thunder?"

A better ending paragraph would have been one that is simple, short, and ending at the proper time. This is where it could gather strength.

Consider this one -
"I jumped from my stool into the darkness." END.

http://www.italknews.com/view_story.php?sid=6990